Annoyed.

Im not quite sure if they're just trying to hard to help me or they really feel that way about me.

I mean let's be honest... everyone thinks Im a mess, that I can't do anything on my own, that everytime I say I'll do something its just words and not acts.
It just bugs me the fact that everyone feels free to judge me because I dropped out from what I was studying... I didn't like it that's all, it doesn't mean I won't keep studying.

Im gonna fucking show everyone they're wrong about me, that they think they know me but they have no idea. Im gonna do things for myself and feel better as a person, this year has helped me with that, I've grown so much, I've seen so much, I've learned so much that I feel ready to the next step and start doing things for myself.

xx

I know

but I just miss you more than ever
I'm scared
Yes...
scared of letting you all alone
you know,
people who stay alone for too long
think too much
and over thinking is bad
everything in excess is bad.

I just wish this ends soon
please?

I miss you.

I really do.

So I'm finally turning 20.

It's sad not to have my mom by my side
and my dad's on a travel, he should be here I know
even some might think I'm such a cry baby, I'm not...
it's just that family means everything to me, it always meant
and when it fell apart I felt horrible
like everything was a lie.

Now I try my hardest to keep forward and be someone in life
be able to pay my own stuff and be a professional
just to make my parents proud, and my bro and my family
in general.
Of course sometimes I break and I'm always running from everything
always putting a shell to stay strong.

There's where I wish everything was like before... those years.

Oh well, it's already midnight and I'm already 20.
Gnite.

Sometimes

There’s so many things I want to hide and pretend it’s not a part of me, I try to be someone who everyone likes, even I say I don’t I’m afraid of being rejected by people, I’m afraid of being all alone… I try my hardest to be myself but sometimes you hide things you don’t want to accept.

I wish everything was easier.

Sometimes I’m fat, I look ugly or I just don’t look good enough for others, I’m always trying to look good, always trying to be what others want to see even if I don’t like it, I hate wearing tiny clothes, I hate wearing long nails but I wear them because everyone loves the way I look with them. I’m always thinking if I like someone would he be enough for my friends so they accept him?

I’m not even sure who I am anymore, If I’m a real bitch trying to be nice or a nice girl being bitchy all of a sudden.

I think I’ve been like this all my life, it’s just that when I was younger I started to hide this side of me, and I was just showing the nice side of me, the “cool” one. Bitchy but nice at the same time… I guess we’re all like that, we just hide our bad things and try to be nice all the time.

I’m not even writing this because I want people to know how I am I just wanted to express myself and accept that sometimes, yes I am a bitch and I call some people a slut, sometimes I don’t like someone’s clothes; I’m not racist or anything like that, I just judge people by who they are, not where they’re from or what they have, only for who they are. Sometimes, yes I’m nice and chill, I help people who need me, I support everyone who needs it and I’m always there, I laugh at the stupidest things and I have flaws too.

I guess we just need to be ourselves in every situation, if we feel like doing it then we just have to do it, if we wanna say something we have to say it out loud! I know I have a long way to go and still so many things to learn about life, so many things to learn about myself and about who I really am, who I need to be and not pretend to be, face everything I hide about myself and be truly myself.

Even if it hurts, the truth is always the best way.

P.S: I guess everytime my bday gets closer I start thinking about all these things.

Basically

don't do something permanently stupid for being temporarily upset.
you just don't seem to know that...
this was too much and I'm too young for this shit.

I can forgive but never forget.

Why

when everything's alright there's always this day
when for no reason you feel sad
lonely
even when you have people who love you, support you
you just feel like there's something missing
like there's something wrong...

I'm not in a bad moment.
I have him and my 'family' who supports me
but then I miss you always...
You're so far away, sometimes I just want to give you a hug
and tell you how much I love you
how much I miss you.
How much I'd love to just go for an icecream
or go shopping together
or just be able to hang with you.

It felt so perfect back in the days
like no one could take that away from me.

It felt good... but now it's just f'd up.

I can't help to feel this way once in a while
I just need you.
I'm always acting like there's nothing wrong
that I'm always happy and cheerful
but people tend to do that a lot
just hide their true feelings about what's going on in their heads.
I tell my friends about that, they support me
and tell me to cheer up
but this is something that even when you talk about it, it's a part of you...

part of being human.