So I'm finally turning 20.

It's sad not to have my mom by my side
and my dad's on a travel, he should be here I know
even some might think I'm such a cry baby, I'm not...
it's just that family means everything to me, it always meant
and when it fell apart I felt horrible
like everything was a lie.

Now I try my hardest to keep forward and be someone in life
be able to pay my own stuff and be a professional
just to make my parents proud, and my bro and my family
in general.
Of course sometimes I break and I'm always running from everything
always putting a shell to stay strong.

There's where I wish everything was like before... those years.

Oh well, it's already midnight and I'm already 20.
Gnite.

Sometimes

There’s so many things I want to hide and pretend it’s not a part of me, I try to be someone who everyone likes, even I say I don’t I’m afraid of being rejected by people, I’m afraid of being all alone… I try my hardest to be myself but sometimes you hide things you don’t want to accept.

I wish everything was easier.

Sometimes I’m fat, I look ugly or I just don’t look good enough for others, I’m always trying to look good, always trying to be what others want to see even if I don’t like it, I hate wearing tiny clothes, I hate wearing long nails but I wear them because everyone loves the way I look with them. I’m always thinking if I like someone would he be enough for my friends so they accept him?

I’m not even sure who I am anymore, If I’m a real bitch trying to be nice or a nice girl being bitchy all of a sudden.

I think I’ve been like this all my life, it’s just that when I was younger I started to hide this side of me, and I was just showing the nice side of me, the “cool” one. Bitchy but nice at the same time… I guess we’re all like that, we just hide our bad things and try to be nice all the time.

I’m not even writing this because I want people to know how I am I just wanted to express myself and accept that sometimes, yes I am a bitch and I call some people a slut, sometimes I don’t like someone’s clothes; I’m not racist or anything like that, I just judge people by who they are, not where they’re from or what they have, only for who they are. Sometimes, yes I’m nice and chill, I help people who need me, I support everyone who needs it and I’m always there, I laugh at the stupidest things and I have flaws too.

I guess we just need to be ourselves in every situation, if we feel like doing it then we just have to do it, if we wanna say something we have to say it out loud! I know I have a long way to go and still so many things to learn about life, so many things to learn about myself and about who I really am, who I need to be and not pretend to be, face everything I hide about myself and be truly myself.

Even if it hurts, the truth is always the best way.

P.S: I guess everytime my bday gets closer I start thinking about all these things.